There's only a shadow of me; in a manner of speaking I'm dead

[preybeforemeals]

[It takes him a while to return to Ryuunosuke's room; he knocks again, as he usually does, though again, it's more to make it plain that he's there. He enters a bit, though he doesn't close the door just yet - waiting to see whether Ryuunosuke has changed his mind, before he does that.

He's got some of those bandages from the first-aid room with him this time around; he'd positively hoarded them when he was using them himself.]

Uryuu-san?

[It's...a little less distant this time around, at least.]

Comments

[greatestcool]

[Don't call him that.

Ryuunosuke is still on the bed when Tsukiyama returns, though he's staring blankly at the floor. He notices the bandages when he looks up and for some really stupid reason he doesn't understand, he wants to smile.]

Hi again.

[...that was dumb.]

[preybeforemeals]

I thought you might need more of these; it isn't as though I'm using them for the time being.

[...It was, a little, but you tried.]

[greatestcool]

...Yeah. I have some more but it's... kinda hard to bandage it.

[He doesn't want to look at it. He knows if he looks at it he'll completely lose himself, because he's not entirely here to begin with and he can't risk that. Ryuunosuke doesn't want to risk that.]

[preybeforemeals]

...Let me see it, then.

[His words aren't sharp but they're blunt; don't argue, just let him take a look at it.]

[greatestcool]

Okay.

[He doesn't even think of complaining, he just moves to shrug off his shirt. He's wearing the usual purple jacket over the t-shirt, and those are both tossed over the back of the chair easily.

The bruise is dark and nasty-looking from where it can be seen on his arm, but more pressing are the bandages, which are uh... well, the best thing that can be said about them is "Ryuunosuke tried really hard" but they're kind of a mess. Even with so many of them, there's still some pink on them.]

[preybeforemeals]

[...Well, he's going to start stripping those off once he sees that, good lord.]

You can't let that get any worse, and you absolutely can't let it get infected, do you understand?

[greatestcool]

Y-Yeah, I know, I know I can't. I'm not going to let anyone see it and I've got no idea how to treat infections... I just sorta forgot to change it earlier, that's all.

[It actually wasn't intentional - infections are definitely not cool. Ryuunosuke turns his head away after a moment so he can't see what Tsukiyama is doing.]

[preybeforemeals]

All right, then.

[...This really is a lot of bandages; he hesitates for a moment once he's got them off, his gaze darting away for a moment before he makes himself look and start applying the new ones.]

...I'm sorry.

[The words are quiet, and so blank-sounding that he doesn't seem aware that he's said them.]

[greatestcool]

[That nearly gets him to look at Tsukiyama, because he's really not sure what Tsukiyama's face is doing. He almost turns before he stops himself. Looking at his shoulder right now is a bad idea, so he instead he resettles.]

Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for.

[The initial question is just confused, but the statement that follows it is blunted. He's not going to accept any argument on that one.]

[preybeforemeals]

For taking so much from you.

[You can give him that damn tone all you want, it's not going to change his response.]

[greatestcool]

I'm not upset. You could have taken my arm and I wouldn't have minded. What matters is that you're okay. I'm... I'm just happy you're not in as much pain anymore.

...After what I said, I don't blame you if you don't believe me. But it's true.

[preybeforemeals]

[That just gets his gaze to dart again, and his voice is tight when he speaks again.]

...You don't understand, Uryuu-san - I don't want to do that to you.

[greatestcool]

[He flinches at the honorific. Ryuunosuke doesn't speak up right away.]

...I... I'm sorry, I don't...

[But maybe he does understand. He doesn't want to hurt Tsukiyama, right? He'd hurt everyone else in this hotel no matter how much he likes some of them. But Tsukiyama is different - even though Ryuunosuke is fascinated by ghouls and how they work and their regenerative abilities, he has no interest in hurting Tsukiyama to find out what makes him tick.

It's like that, isn't it?]

Can... Can you explain it to me? I just... I want to make sure I'm not mistaken.

[He doesn't want to give himself false hope or anything.]

[preybeforemeals]

Oh - of course.

[He leans back at that, having finished what he was doing with those bandages; he tips his head a little, though he honestly doesn't seem troubled by the question, just a little surprised.]

I just don't have any interest in doing that to you in the first place - I've slept next to you for weeks now, haven't I? And I haven't taken anything from you, even when...

[He trails off a bit, not entirely sure how to finish that. Even when it would have been beneficial for him to do so, maybe.]

...Either way. I don't want to see you injured like that, even if I'm the one to do it to you.

[...]

Especially if I'm the one to do it to you. And since I lost control last time, I...

[And he does go quiet after that one; can we not...]

[greatestcool]

[Ryuunosuke closes his eyes for a moment just to allow himself to feel the emotions that come with Tsukiyama's words. It hurts, but it's in that very strange good sort of way. Well, at least until the end there, which causes his chest to tighten uncomfortably. It's kind of sad that he's beginning to get used to these feelings. Pretty soon he'll be able to predict when they'll happen.

He finally turns to Tsukiyama and while Ryuunosuke still can't seem to decide what to do with his face, his words are genuine.]

...Okay. I... thought it might be something like that.

[God he wants to mess with Tsukiyama's hair. Or hug him. Or do something that isn't just sit here and stare at him.]

It won't happen again, right? You're doing better, so you'll be okay until...

[And suddenly he's not sure how to end that. Maybe I shouldn't go back with you to Tokyo. I can't hurt you then. I'm so tired of hurting you. That's what he'd expressed in the letter on Friday night and he still believes it. Maybe it would be best if he just helped Tsukiyama cover up the murder. He's useful at that sort of thing; far more useful than he is anywhere else here.

"I don't want to see you injured like that, even if I'm the one to do it to you."

It's taken Ryuunosuke twenty-four years, but he's finally beginning to realize that maybe he should stop putting his wants and desires on everyone else. Not everyone thinks the same way he does, he knows that. Tsukiyama wouldn't want him to die, right? So...

After a pause that spans for entirely too long, Ryuunosuke finishes that thought quietly, glancing away.]

...Until their numbers are low enough so we can get out of here.

[preybeforemeals]

[That pause goes on for far too long, and Tsukiyama can feel himself shaking a little; not enough to be physically noticeable, but internally, somewhere in his chest, and it just vibrates through him until the thought is finished, and- ]

...And then we're going home, aren't we?

[greatestcool]

Yeah. Yeah.

[He thought he was going to make it through this conversation without bursting into tears but nope, that did him in. Thanks, asshole.]

I... I can't wait.

[Ryuunosuke isn't even sure if these tears are bad or good, but everything hurts and he's not sure how to process any of this and for some strange reason, it actually feels really good to cry.]

[preybeforemeals]

[Tsukiyama relaxes then, a good amount of tension he didn't even realize was there leaving his body; he reaches out, running one of his hands back through Ryuunosuke's hair.]

It's all right.

[The words are calm and soft; he lets his hand run through Ryuunosuke's hair again.]

It hurts for now, but it'll pass. It's going to be all right; you'll come back to Tokyo with me, and we'll always have each other, even if we don't have anything else. We're going to be just fine in the end, I promise you.

[greatestcool]

[He leans into that immediately. Everything still hurts, but he's so grateful. Tsukiyama's giving him another chance.]

We'll be just fine... yeah. It won't be like it is here. We'll be so much better.

[After a moment he reaches out to take Tsukiyama's free hand. Just... let him hold on for awhile, okay?]

I'm... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'll never... I'll never say anything like that again, I...

[The words leave him in a rush and they're doing nothing to stop the tears, but he needs to say them.]

[preybeforemeals]

[He seems to reciprocate well enough when Ryuunosuke takes his hand, his grip firm without hurting him any.]

I'd be lying if I said it didn't upset me, but you were angry when you said it, n'est-ce pas? Don't let this distract you.

[greatestcool]

Yeah, but that's no excuse! I never... I never should have even thought something like that why... why the hell did I say it?

[But Tsukiyama has a very good point. This is distracting. If he keeps focusing on it like this then he's going to end up being the next victim. It's weakness the others will exploit; he can't afford that.

It gets the tears to stop and Ryuunosuke to look up with a lot more determination than he's had in awhile.]

...I won't. Our first priority is getting out of here. After that we can deal with the... everything else. But it'll be okay, because nothing can be as awful as being stuck in here. So we'll be fine. We'll beat this stupid game and get out of here. Together.

[preybeforemeals]

[That...gets him to smile a bit, actually.]

That's better...I like seeing your strength like this, you know. Your determination.

You make me happy, Uryuu, and I meant what I said before - you aren't broken, even if you don't always understand these things. Do you believe me?

[greatestcool]

[Ryuunosuke brightens immediately at the lack of an honorific, but he settles a bit by the time Tsukiyama finishes.]

I'm... still kind of getting used to the idea, honestly. It's kinda hard to remember that sometimes. But as long as you don't think I'm broken, I'll be okay! I guess I just need someone to point me in the right direction every so often. So I'm... I'm really glad you're here with me.

[After a moment he beams though and the expression reaches his eyes. It doesn't fade immediately either.]

I'm not going to give up, Tsukiyama. I have to get out of here with you! So-- So you'll keep seeing my strength and determination and things can really only go up from here!