derailing | Chūntiān yòu lái dàole huā kāi mǎn shānpō

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!arts and lovecrafts

Chūntiān yòu lái dàole huā kāi mǎn shānpō

[Tsukiyama seems in high spirits tonight; it's a combination of his physical condition having taken an obvious upswing today and the motive going over well, really. It's a nice reprieve from everything the weekend decided to be; his energy is obvious when he goes to see Ryuunosuke that night.

The knock comes more from habit than necessity by this point; he's sort of wondering how Ryuunosuke took the motive, honestly, because Tsukiyama has definitely noticed the similarity between what he's been told about the Holy Grail War and this and he doesn't doubt that Ryuunosuke's done the same. At the same time, he also believes Ryuunosuke entirely when he says there's nothing that he wants from the Grail; it follows, then, that there's probably not much he wants here, either. Just the same, it's...interesting, really, and one of several things on Tsukiyama's mind.

Not like it's putting a damper on his mood any, though; god, today has been good.]

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Then I'll be looking forward to the day we leave this place - now, more than ever. Neither of us will be alone again.

...But you have your servants and your family, right?

[Hang on, this is important. Normally it wouldn't be but things are different with Tsukiyama.]

So you're not really alone back home... are you?

[Ryuunosuke looks sort of alarmed by that thought.]

You had family as well, didn't you? You've had friends. People you like.

[There's no bite to his words; they aren't cruel. Just stating things.]

But just having them isn't enough, is it?

No. It never was.

[That gets him to settle and after a moment Ryuunosuke moves to sit back on the bed again. He pats the bed expectantly; come on, join him.]

...I used to get so frustrated with my family. With friends I could at least excuse that away with "oh, well I haven't met the right person yet". Some people just don't get along very well with others, and that's alright. That's normal. Not caring at all about your family isn't.

But I never hated them. I knew it wasn't their fault that I ended up like this. In the end though... they were just like everyone else. I didn't feel anything, even when I was killing them.

[...]

I kinda wonder what it felt like. To have your own child end your life. Heh, maybe Monobear could learn a thing or two from me, 'cause that sounds like true despair!

[Tsukiyama joins him easily; he considers getting his jacket or his shirt or...something before he does so, but there's not much sense in bothering, not after everything Ryuunosuke's already seen tonight.

He listens to that in silence, though, not moving from where he's sitting on the edge of the bed; he crosses his legs at the knee, leaning forward a bit as he listens and playing with his hands a little as he does so.]

I don't think I was always like this.

[The admission is unusually quiet; there's nothing hesitant about it, but it's pensive.]

It probably sounds a little strange to say that I don't remember, n'est-ce pas? It seems like the sort of thing that someone should, but I don't recall very much of it; I know there were dark times in my life, I know that there were times when I didn't want to eat and so I didn't for long periods of time...there was fear as well back then, a lot of it, and I remember feeling sort of lonely. But that sort of thing...there's distance there, so much so that it all feels like it happened to someone else - like perhaps it didn't happen at all, like it's something I read about before falling asleep and so my thoughts just integrated it, maybe.

[He shrugs, though.]

Ah, but even if that's what it was like, perhaps it's for the best that I don't recall details - because who would want to really remember details about something like that? I'm not that sort of person anymore, anyway.

[Ryuunosuke glances at Tsukiyama as he speaks, but he doesn't interrupt. By the time Tsukiyama's done, Ryuunosuke looks a little confused. This isn't like it was with Kureha - he can understand this, but he can also feel it. It's unpleasant, but at the same time he can at least take some comfort in the fact that he feels it.]

I... oh man, Tsukiyama... That sounds awful. Even if you aren't that sort of person anymore, it sounds so bad...

[He can't imagine it, but perhaps that's for the best. He's already taking this pretty poorly.]

[And Tsukiyama just...stares at that, looking over at Ryuunosuke as though he's a little startled; he smiles and shakes his head a bit after a moment, though, clearly trying to dismiss it.]

Ahhh, no, no, it's fine! It's nothing to be upset about.

[He reaches out then, running his hand through Ryuunosuke's hair a bit; see, he's fine, really.]

[He leans into Tsukiyama's touch, which is probably just going to get more glitter to go everywhere. Whoops.]

Okay. I don't want to be upset, it's just... weird...

[WHAT IS THIS FEELING AND HOW DO YOU DESTROY IT]

...You don't usually get upset for other people, do you?

[It's something he's...aware of, after what happened after the trial for Harvey and Kureha, but confirming it flat-out is probably a decent thing to do.]

No, never. I mean I can fake it pretty well, I think, but... genuinely upset? Never. It's... really weird...

[Yeah he's. Kind of fucked up. A little bit. In case you hadn't noticed.]

[Tsukiyama doesn't do emotions well.

He knows he should leave this alone and not even try to touch this because he really, really doesn't do emotions well and in all honesty he's not sure that he wants to put forth the effort, but at the same time, this is someone he's told a good amount about himself - not just the simple things or the things that he can amend to make sound better than they are, but almost everything, and it's that difference that gets him to pause, and then urges him to continue.]

So this is different for you, then...

[He keeps playing with Ryuunosuke's hair, glitter be damned.]

I'm not entirely sure how to help you, but if there's anything...you know I'll do whatever I can for you, n'est-ce pas? You can ask me for anything.

Well, that's just it, it's not... it's not all bad. If it was all bad then at least I could... I dunno, not talk about that stuff. But it's... also kind of nice?

[How does he even begin to explain this. He closes his eyes as he leans into Tsukiyama's touch while he thinks.]

...It's nice to feel something, even if it is something bad. It's nice that I can feel sorta normal, because I usually don't. And it's... I'm feeling something towards you, so no matter how awful the emotion is, it's okay.

[He laughs softly, running a hand down his face.]

Man, what the hell's happening to me? I've never been like this before. I guess meeting you has really changed me.

[That's such a human way to go about looking at something like this, isn't it? Wanting normalcy, even if it's unpleasant... He isn't going to claim to understand that last bit of it, either. Wanting to feel something toward a specific person is something he's never really understood as humans go; caring about people is a little easier to understand if he conceptualizes it as wanting to care for a pet or claiming someone as territory, but it seems that humans don't do things like that on a regular basis.

...Bluntly put, he doesn't really get anything that Ryuunosuke just said to him and it's obvious in his expression, but at least he's trying to understand it, and he's not going to stop playing with his hair, either.]

Even if it's unpleasant...if it's normalcy that you want, Uryuu, then I'm happy that I can provide that for you, even if it's only for a while.

[It's alright, he's not sure he really understands either. Ryuunosuke laughs after a moment, shaking his head a bit.]

I'm not really sure what I want. I mean, the normalcy's kinda nice, as long as I don't have to deal with it too often. All I really want is to stay with you.

[...]

That motive today... The wish thing. I think that's what I'd wish for. I mean, if I had to rely on Monobear to grant me a wish. I'd wish to join you in Tokyo forever.

[Tsukiyama freezes up at that, his hand falling still against Ryuunosuke's hair; he can feel where his breath caught in his chest, and it takes him a moment to regain composure, to try to force down the urge to figure out what even caused that because now isn't the time - ]

Then we don't need his motive.

[His words are tight, but they're firm; just the same, they're picking up speed at a decent clip, even though he doesn't seem aware of it.]

We're going to get out of here of our own volition - we'll win the game, and you'll get what you want. You'll come back with me, and I'll...I'll make you happy, I'll make you so happy, just stay with me...

[He turns enough so that he can get a good look at Tsukiyama when his words start speeding up, but it isn't long before Ryuunosuke's got a hand clenched in front of his mouth like this will somehow hide his expression. He's flushed and his eyes are wide and for some reason he's trembling and he has no idea what the hell his emotions are doing, but they're certainly doing a thing. When he can finally force himself to speak his voice shakes a bit, but it's surprisingly more controlled than his expression.]

Y-Yeah... yeah. We will. We definitely will. We'll... We'll go back together and...

[He forces his hand down to rest on his knees. He's not exactly relaxed though he's not sure if he's worked up because of whatever he's feeling or if it's because he's excited.]

And I'll stay with you forever. I'll never leave your side - I promise!

[He shouldn't promise such a thing so easily. He shouldn't be able to promise it. But here he is and he doesn't regret it at all, even if he still feels really weird and he's still shaking a bit.]

...All right.

[And that...seems to center him for some reason; he's not one for physical affection, not really, but he sort of leans up against Ryuunosuke anyway and nuzzles into him a bit before pulling away.

...There's going to be glitter everywhere, but he doesn't particularly mind it for now.]

Relax a bit, amore. We don't have to talk about it anymore.

[He returns the nuzzling a bit before Tsukiyama pulls away, but that seems to have settled him better. He's no longer shaking though his eyes are still weirdly bright.]

Alright. I'm not upset though, so you don't have to worry about that!

[It's teasing though, because of course it is.]

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Chūntiān yòu lái dàole huā kāi mǎn shānpō

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