when the dark of the night comes around that's the time

[greatestcool]

( CW: Cannibalism and suicidal thoughts )

[This week is shaping up to be just as bad as last week and it's only Wednesday. After falling down half a flight of stairs, Ryuunosuke's given up on today and has spent the day alternating between sleeping and (trying) to read, though reading and translating Chinese really isn't going so well in his state. The "demon summoning" book is back on the desk again and for now he's just staring up at the ceiling.

Tsukiyama should be back soon, right? Then they'll talk about... whatever happened to Tsukiyama's arm. There's no reason to worry. It's not like Tsukiyama's hiding anything big from him. There's no reason to worry.

Still, he keeps glancing over to the door as if that will make Tsukiyama show up faster. As always, the door is open just a crack, so Tsukiyama should be able to let himself in. Please don't be polite and knock today, Ryuunosuke really doesn't want to get up.]

Comments

[greatestcool]

I-I know you won't.

[That's not the concern at all. If Tsukiyama had wanted to hurt Ryuunosuke at any point, he easily could have. Ryuunosuke has completely trusted him for weeks.

That's not the concern; the concern is that he'd be perfectly fine with it.]

I don't... I don't want to die, I want to stay with you forever... but...

[He leans into Tsukiyama's touch and allows himself to just feel for a moment. It's sort of surreal, all things considered.]

But I'm so screwed up. Way more than I thought I was. I didn't think that was possible.

I've... never seriously been hurt before. But that... I don't understand - when I saw my own blood, I... I didn't feel any pain or anything. It was just... I dunno, it was just like the first time. That sense of wonder and excitement, the knowledge that this is wrong, but why would it ever be wrong when it's so, so cool... That sort of thing. I really didn't want you to stop. I wanted to know what it was like - dying, that is.

...I'm so screwed up.

[He laughs, the sound short and breathless.]

I don't understand. It's not like I want to stop living, it's just that I want to experience death. I think. I'm not sure if that's what it really is it's just... it's so confusing but...

[Ryuunosuke once again tightens his grip on Tsukiyama. He's not sure when it started to go slack.]

I don't want to leave you! I said I wouldn't and I meant it! I'm never going to leave you alone no matter how weird I am that's-- that's not going to change!

[By the time he's done with that outburst he's in tears again and Ryuunosuke kind of hates everything. Except Tsukiyama, he could never hate Tsukiyama.]

[preybeforemeals]

You aren't weird, amore.

[His hand just keeps playing with Ryuunosuke's hair, the motion steady and gentle, even after Ryuunosuke starts crying on him again.]

You aren't weird, and you aren't screwed up, and you aren't broken. You're just more like me than you are like the rest of them.

Our desires are different from most, but that doesn't make them any less valid, or mean that the others are worth more than we are. We deserve happiness as much as they do; we just derive it differently.

[His words haven't left that calm, gentle tone; it's all right.]

Human standards are flawed. There's nothing wrong with you in the eyes of the world. Please stop insisting that there is.

[greatestcool]

[Being stuck in this place has made him realize more things about himself than he ever would have liked, but it's finally sinking in that all this time, he's been suppressing some sort of really, really weird complex about his inability to feel things like everyone else.

It's kind of funny, isn't it? The news had always called him a "demon" and he'd been perfectly fine referring to himself as "kind of a demon".

Maybe "demon" wasn't the right word.]

...In the eyes of the world, huh...?

[Tsukiyama's right, isn't he? People like Ryuunosuke exist because there have to be villains to keep the story of the world interesting. God wouldn't want to write a boring story. He needs people like Ryuunosuke and Tsukiyama and all the ghouls in Tsukiyama's world to create a vibrant and rich world for His stories to take place in.

How could he ever let himself forget something like that, even for a moment?]

Yeah. You're right. I... man, this place has messed me up.

[But he laughs and the sound is admittedly a bit self-conscious, but Ryuunosuke feels a lot better.]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just... break like that. I'm okay now! And if I'm honest... I'm glad I'm more like you.

[Tsukiyama is the perfect predator, after all.]

When we go home I want to see everything. I want to learn everything there is to know about ghouls. I don't want to have to deal with humans like this again.

[He can never become a ghoul, but he can cast aside his humanity. Not that that's going to be difficult or anything.]