Ryūnosuke Uryū (雨生龍之介) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greatestcool) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
derailing2015-07-15 01:43 pm
greatestcool) wrote in derailing2015-07-15 01:43 pm
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when the dark of the night comes around that's the time
[This week is shaping up to be just as bad as last week and it's only Wednesday. After falling down half a flight of stairs, Ryuunosuke's given up on today and has spent the day alternating between sleeping and (trying) to read, though reading and translating Chinese really isn't going so well in his state. The "demon summoning" book is back on the desk again and for now he's just staring up at the ceiling.
Tsukiyama should be back soon, right? Then they'll talk about... whatever happened to Tsukiyama's arm. There's no reason to worry. It's not like Tsukiyama's hiding anything big from him. There's no reason to worry.
Still, he keeps glancing over to the door as if that will make Tsukiyama show up faster. As always, the door is open just a crack, so Tsukiyama should be able to let himself in. Please don't be polite and knock today, Ryuunosuke really doesn't want to get up.]
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[His hand tightens a bit in Ryuunosuke's hair; he's not pulling on it, but he's very obviously tensing up.]
If you decide you want to die, then so be it. But I'm the one who's going to do it, do you understand me?
[He doesn't sound afraid, really, but he's starting to shake a bit again; he still doesn't know what to think about Ryuunosuke's reaction to being bitten, but it's possible that he'll have that reaction to the others fucking him up as well, isn't it? Or perhaps he just...does want to die, Tsukiyama can't be sure, but...]
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The first is I just want to die in the coolest way. When he thinks about what Tsukiyama did to his shoulder, he feels giddy. The pain is still there and he's not at risk of losing himself without actually seeing the injury, but he can return to that feeling easily enough. The color of his blood, the open wound - those are things he won't ever be able to get out of his head. He doesn't want to forget them. If there's anyone who can kill him in a cool way, it's Tsukiyama. He could easily promise that.
That's what causes the second thought, I don't want to die. There's far less thought involved in that one and perhaps normally he wouldn't have any feelings attached to it. Maybe if things had been different he wouldn't have felt anything at all and only the first thought would have occurred to him.
It scares him how close he could have come to dying tonight.
Ryuunosuke takes a shaky breath (he has to remind himself to breathe; this is really fucking with him) and he tightens his grip on Tsukiyama, burying his right hand in the back of Tsukiyama's hair.]
...I...
[He needs to say something but he can't tell which thought to focus on and he knows there's a right answer here, but like hell if he can find it. It isn't long before he's shaking too.]
I-I don't...
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You're all right.
[His words are soft, gentle in a way that he hopes is at least vaguely calming; there's a lightness to them, the sort of thing that comes with having every belief in what you say.
It's startling to him, a bit, how quickly he's able to switch his own feelings off and change tracks to whatever he thinks is needed from him right now; he isn't sure when that reaction started happening, but the fact is that it has and he's not going to argue it for now.]
There's too much left for you to die. We'll be home soon, and I can give you everything you've ever wanted, and maybe you'll find some things you didn't know you wanted, too. There's far too much for you to get out of life to let you end it anytime soon.
[He nuzzles against him again.]
I'm not going to hurt you, amore. I just want to make sure no one else will, either.
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[That's not the concern at all. If Tsukiyama had wanted to hurt Ryuunosuke at any point, he easily could have. Ryuunosuke has completely trusted him for weeks.
That's not the concern; the concern is that he'd be perfectly fine with it.]
I don't... I don't want to die, I want to stay with you forever... but...
[He leans into Tsukiyama's touch and allows himself to just feel for a moment. It's sort of surreal, all things considered.]
But I'm so screwed up. Way more than I thought I was. I didn't think that was possible.
I've... never seriously been hurt before. But that... I don't understand - when I saw my own blood, I... I didn't feel any pain or anything. It was just... I dunno, it was just like the first time. That sense of wonder and excitement, the knowledge that this is wrong, but why would it ever be wrong when it's so, so cool... That sort of thing. I really didn't want you to stop. I wanted to know what it was like - dying, that is.
...I'm so screwed up.
[He laughs, the sound short and breathless.]
I don't understand. It's not like I want to stop living, it's just that I want to experience death. I think. I'm not sure if that's what it really is it's just... it's so confusing but...
[Ryuunosuke once again tightens his grip on Tsukiyama. He's not sure when it started to go slack.]
I don't want to leave you! I said I wouldn't and I meant it! I'm never going to leave you alone no matter how weird I am that's-- that's not going to change!
[By the time he's done with that outburst he's in tears again and Ryuunosuke kind of hates everything. Except Tsukiyama, he could never hate Tsukiyama.]
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[His hand just keeps playing with Ryuunosuke's hair, the motion steady and gentle, even after Ryuunosuke starts crying on him again.]
You aren't weird, and you aren't screwed up, and you aren't broken. You're just more like me than you are like the rest of them.
Our desires are different from most, but that doesn't make them any less valid, or mean that the others are worth more than we are. We deserve happiness as much as they do; we just derive it differently.
[His words haven't left that calm, gentle tone; it's all right.]
Human standards are flawed. There's nothing wrong with you in the eyes of the world. Please stop insisting that there is.
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It's kind of funny, isn't it? The news had always called him a "demon" and he'd been perfectly fine referring to himself as "kind of a demon".
Maybe "demon" wasn't the right word.]
...In the eyes of the world, huh...?
[Tsukiyama's right, isn't he? People like Ryuunosuke exist because there have to be villains to keep the story of the world interesting. God wouldn't want to write a boring story. He needs people like Ryuunosuke and Tsukiyama and all the ghouls in Tsukiyama's world to create a vibrant and rich world for His stories to take place in.
How could he ever let himself forget something like that, even for a moment?]
Yeah. You're right. I... man, this place has messed me up.
[But he laughs and the sound is admittedly a bit self-conscious, but Ryuunosuke feels a lot better.]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just... break like that. I'm okay now! And if I'm honest... I'm glad I'm more like you.
[Tsukiyama is the perfect predator, after all.]
When we go home I want to see everything. I want to learn everything there is to know about ghouls. I don't want to have to deal with humans like this again.
[He can never become a ghoul, but he can cast aside his humanity. Not that that's going to be difficult or anything.]