derailing | when the dark of the night comes around that's the time

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!arts and lovecrafts

when the dark of the night comes around that's the time

( CW: Cannibalism and suicidal thoughts )

[This week is shaping up to be just as bad as last week and it's only Wednesday. After falling down half a flight of stairs, Ryuunosuke's given up on today and has spent the day alternating between sleeping and (trying) to read, though reading and translating Chinese really isn't going so well in his state. The "demon summoning" book is back on the desk again and for now he's just staring up at the ceiling.

Tsukiyama should be back soon, right? Then they'll talk about... whatever happened to Tsukiyama's arm. There's no reason to worry. It's not like Tsukiyama's hiding anything big from him. There's no reason to worry.

Still, he keeps glancing over to the door as if that will make Tsukiyama show up faster. As always, the door is open just a crack, so Tsukiyama should be able to let himself in. Please don't be polite and knock today, Ryuunosuke really doesn't want to get up.]

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[...........are you fucking serious]

But...!

[BUT IT REALLY HURTS]

S-So what am I supposed to do then?

Deal with it until enough time has passed, I'd imagine.

[...Says the guy with the now-functioning healing factor, like an asshole.

That said, just let him sit next to you on the bed and start dressing that injury - it's fortunate that he's been stockpiling gauze and bandages, because goodness, this is a mess.]

Ughh...

[He groans loudly and tips his head so Tsukiyama has plenty of room to work. Ryuunosuke makes the mistake of glancing down at the injury and he can feel himself beginning to slip - it's almost a surreal experience, feeling his mind completely fall into chaos and--

No, he's not doing that again - he can't afford to do that right now and if he does, Tsukiyama won't react well. It takes a ridiculous amount of effort for him to tear his eyes away from it, but his breathing has quickened and he feels really light-headed again.

He's fine - he's just fine.]

Edited 2015-07-16 00:53 (UTC)

[Tsukiyama isn't looking at Ryuunosuke, but he can obviously tell when he tenses; it prompts him to work a bit more quickly, anyway.

He doesn't exactly know what he's doing, but he spent a good amount of his high school years hanging out in a hospital, so he knows a few things.]

Are you all right...?

[Let's face it, you probably know a lot more than he does.]

Y-Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine; it's fine.

[That's entirely too many "fine"s for so few words, but he's not sure what else to say. He needs a moment to get himself under control, but he will be fine. Eventually.]

...You can talk to me, you know.

[Because it's different when he hides things from you, apparently...]

[That snaps Ryuunosuke back to reality in a hurry and he looks at Tsukiyama. His expression is blank, but it's not intentional.]

Can I?

[That's out there before he can stop himself and he winces.]

No, that's not... I know I can talk to you. That's not the problem. Can you talk to me?

[He doesn't sound angry or upset, but it is a genuine question. Sure, part of it is trying to deflect attention away from whatever the hell his brain just did, but he really does want to know the answer.]

[...now wait just a minute- ]

I'm...sorry, what?

You didn't tell me about any of this.

[He gestures vaguely to Tsukiyama's arm.]

I wouldn't have known at all if I hadn't... You weren't going to tell me, were you?

[And despite the words, he doesn't sound accusatory.]

Is there anything else you're keeping from me? I don't care if it's "not a big deal" or if you can handle it on your own or whatever. I just...

[He hesitates and glances away. How does he even end that? It's not like he can do anything to help, especially not when this is how he reacts to getting bitten.]

I don't like seeing you like this, okay? I don't like the idea of not knowing - that you might be the exact opposite of okay and I have no way of knowing because I'm not good enough at reading you to figure it out on my own and pester you about it until you give in. I don't want to do that but I want to do whatever I can to help--

[he can't help that's the problem]

I... I don't understand.

[Ryuunosuke's shoulders slump, which earns another wince.]

You were willing to tell me about the ghoul thing and what you eat and you showed me all your awesome abilities but you won't trust me with this? Did I... Did I do something wrong? Did I screw up somehow?

[Did he miss something he was supposed to pick up on and that's why Tsukiyama won't trust him with anything else? Is that it?]

...I don't understand.

...Why would I tell you about things like that?

[It isn't an angry question, or even a particularly distrustful one; there's no pointedness to it, no implied accusations, no awkwardly-placed emphasis to indicate that Ryuunosuke may have done something wrong to begin with. It's just...confused, perhaps startlingly genuine.]

I told you all of those things you mentioned because I trust you - they're the sort of things that I can't tell anyone. Why would you think you've done something wrong? Of course I trust you, amore, I don't understand why you think I don't.

[Well that question throws him horribly, hang on.]

Wh... What do you mean? Why wouldn't you tell me? You're in pain and you're hurting or you-- or you were. I don't...

[I don't understand, but that's not new, is it?

He's not sure why this is getting to him so badly, but Ryuunosuke's starting to shake and he can't seem to keep his focus on Tsukiyama. Thankfully he's not looking at his shoulder again, instead directing his attention to the floor.]

I'm sorry I'm not... I'm not trying to say that you don't trust me I'm just... really confused. I don't understand what my stupid emotions are doing and it hurts and I hate it.

[Ryuunosuke runs a hand through his bangs and laughs though the sound is tense.]

I want to know when you're not okay. Even if I can't help and even if it'll do nothing but upset me, I want to know. I don't know why and it sounds stupid as hell but...

[Ugh.]

...I don't think you're useless, you know. You keep saying things like that - that you can't help, that you don't think you can do anything but be upset at whatever I tell you. It has nothing to do with that - you know that, don't you?

[He looks up at that, obviously confused.]

Then what is it?

[Ryuunosuke will leave the rest of that alone for now since he's not sure what to do with it. It's nice to hear though, even though he's certain Tsukiyama's wrong. There really isn't anything he can do but get upset.]

[Must we.]

...Why would I show weakness like that to anyone?

[...................are you fucking serious]

What...?

[are you fucking serious, Tsukiyama oh my god]

Why on earth would that matter!? If it's just to me it doesn't! You don't have to put on a brave face all the time or whatever! I'll--

[I'll love you no matter what]

I'll always support you and do what I can to help, that's never going to change my opinion of you--!

[WHY THIS]

[And something about that strikes him wrong; he bristles a bit, though he manages to keep his voice even.]

A lot of us have heard that back home. Usually right before we're outed to those authorities I told you about and they raid our homes or kill us in the streets.

[He doesn't know what makes him say it; perhaps it's because the argument with Silver earlier had dealt with another facet of this, who knows. Either way, he's in exactly the wrong sort of mood to listen to this right now.]

Why would I tell anyone about you!?

[Normally he doesn't want to fight back, but this is so baffling he can't do anything else.]

Even if for some messed up reason I did decide to tell everyone - which would be stupid - what would be the point? You could just tell them what you know about me! One of us could easily be killed and I don't know which one they'd decide to target first, but I can tell you which one of us would survive!

[He shouldn't be talking like that and he knows it, but he can't stop himself now.]

I-- Why would you ever even think that I'd--

[He clenches his hands and as badly as he wants to hold onto the anger because that's different and it doesn't hurt as badly, it's already slipping away.]

You're... the only person who gets me so why... Why would I do something like that? Why would you accuse me of something like that?

[He swipes his arm across his eyes and turns away.]

Because that's how things work, Uryuu, I don't know what else you want me to tell you!

[He's already done this twice this week; he doesn't want to do this again. And yet - and yet - ]

Did you believe that I was exaggerating when I told you they hunt us down?! They prefer to kill us as children so we don't have the opportunity to become strong enough to fight back, they find us and they behead us in the streets and every human I know - people I was raised around - they're all fine with that because they think we're some sort of plague! They capture us, torture us, make weapons out of our bodies and our organs so they can kill us more efficiently -

Do you want me to apologize for not trusting humans in what's already a survival situation?! It's going to be me or them, Uryuu, and it's not going to be me with my back against the wall this time, do you understand?

I'm not like them!

[The shout is loud and when Ryuunosuke turns back to Tsukiyama he looks furious though he's not managing to control the tears very well.]

Why don't you understand-- I'm nothing like those people! I've never been like them! I've been screwed up since the day I was born and-- and--!

[This isn't about him. This isn't about him.]

I would never do something like that to you! I'm not even from your world! I don't have any frame of reference for these things - but even if I did that wouldn't change anything! Everything you've told me has been cool, it's been fascinating and awesome and great and I can't wait to return with you to Tokyo! I want to see ghouls in action! I want to see everything! So why... Why would I ever side against you?

I don't care if you don't trust humans! You'd have to be stupid to trust the rest of these people, but I'm different! I'm the furthest thing from human!

[Ryuunosuke's not even bothering to try to check the tears this time, instead he reaches out to grab the front of Tsukiyama's shirt - he doesn't try to pull him forward or anything, he just holds on.]

You've... You've had it really hard and I can't say I understand 'cause I don't but I can't just let you sit here and talk about me like that! I would never... I would never do anything to hurt you! Never!

[And that's when something in his expression just breaks; he jerks a little bit when Ryuunosuke grabs his shirt, but he doesn't move to push him off or try to defend himself - instead he just stares, and he's gone very dead behind the eyes, and while it's difficult to say exactly what it is, it's obvious that something vital has just stopped working.]

What would you have me do, Uryuu-san?

[The honorific is odd, after so long without it.]

I'm doing everything I can right now. I don't...

...I'm trying. I've been...trying, I...

[Ryuunosuke recognizes that look. It's the same look he sees every time he looks in a mirror and it's the look he knows he has in his eyes no matter what expression he's attempting to pull off. It's why he'll never be seen as normal because he always looks like that.

But for some reason that doesn't get him to back off. Maybe it should. Maybe he should just leave this alone and let it be. He's done more than enough yelling today, hasn't he? It's not going to help to keep doing this.

If he's honest with himself though, he can't stop. Tsukiyama isn't like this - he isn't dead in the eyes like Ryuunosuke is. He's passionate and there's always something there, even when he's lying to the others and even when he's strangely distant he still looks alive.

Maybe it's stupid to think of this like that, but Ryuunosuke's not about to let Tsukiyama lose that.]

First of all you can drop the honorific. I'd still prefer that you call me by name, but I don't think anything I say or do is going to get you to budge on that.

Secondly you can just talk to me. About anything. About everything. I... I know you have been but...

[...No, he can think of a better way to put this.]

Stop thinking of me as a human. When you talk to me I don't want you to see a human. I want you to talk to me like you'd talk to other ghouls. I don't care how different that may be - if it'll do anything to help, I want it.

[...]

You said you'll look out for me, right? I want to look out for you too. --And don't think of it as being weak or anything! It doesn't mean you're weak. It means that I want to help you. That's all. Maybe someday I'll be able to read you well enough to know when to ask, but for now I don't. So... so just talk to me. Okay? Even if you think it's dumb or if it doesn't matter.

I want to support you. I want to help you. I...

[...is it weird to say it? It's probably weird to say it. He's going to say it anyway.]

I don't want to just be yours - I want you to be mine too.

[In all honesty, Tsukiyama has just completely had it with the day; everything has been upsetting and hideous and he can't focus for shit anymore, he can't recall being this messed up in his life, and he's already well surpassed the point of being able to function competently.

But something in what Ryuunosuke's words make something tighten in his chest, and it hurts - more than the hunger, more than the fear - and he finds himself bowing his head; it's another thing that Ryuunosuke will likely find familiar, given that the intention is to hide his eyes.

It doesn't hide the way his chest catches when he tries to breathe, though, or the way that he's smiling again but the expression is horrifically broken, or the way his voice is thick when he tries to speak or the fact that he hasn't cried in well over a decade but apparently, tonight is a good night for him to start again.

It does take him a while to find words; he doesn't find many, so the ones he does find will just have to be good enough.]

...As long as you'll have me.

Forever.

[His shoulder hurts like hell but he moves anyway, wrapping his arms tightly around Tsukiyama and pulling him as close as he can. His left arm is lower so he's not straining his shoulder quite as badly, but he doesn't care how much it hurts - Tsukiyama needs this.

...Well, he thinks Tsukiyama needs this. If he's wrong he's going to be kind of upset.]

I'll never leave your side. I'll be with you forever. Once we get out of here - once we go home - there won't be anything, anything like this. We'll be okay again. I promise.

[Ryuunosuke's never really known how to comfort people and he's not sure he's doing it right, but his words are passionate and low and his grip is tight and he's not going to let go until Tsukiyama pushes him off.

...If he's perfectly honest, he needs this as bad as he thinks Tsukiyama does.]

Forever, Tsukiyama - I swear.

[Again, he doesn't try to fight it, though he doesn't encourage it, either; he just sort of lets Ryuunosuke pull him forward like some sort of awkward ragdoll, and he rests his head up against Ryuunosuke's right shoulder, and it...admittedly feels a little stupid but it's been a long time since he's been held like this - he thinks the last time might have been with Matsumae, but if he's honest, he doesn't remember.

For a long moment he just allows it, and he vaguely registers after a while that he isn't crying anymore, and everything still feels hazy as hell but he shifts a little for the sake of nuzzling into Ryuunosuke a bit.]

You're good to me.

[He returns that nuzzling a bit, still smiling.]

Of course I am. You're my favorite person in the world, Tsukiyama.

[...]

Though I guess that doesn't really mean much coming from me. I want to be good to you; that's probably the first time I've ever said it and meant it, you know!

[Ryuunosuke's tone is light and he moves his hand up to play with the back of Tsukiyama's hair gently.]

You don't have to worry about that; I'll always be good to you.

when the dark of the night comes around that's the time

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